Scars of the Badge: Tom Lee on Trauma, Faith, and the Cost of Service

James Moffitt (Host):

 Hello and welcome to Liberty and Gun Rights Podcast. My name is James Moffitt and I'll be your host. Today on the Liberty and Gun Rights Podcast, we're going behind the badge with someone who's lived the true cost of service in ways most people never see. Tom Lee. Hey Tom, how are you?

Tom Lee (Guest):

Good, good. How are you doing?

James:

Great. Tom Lee, Texas Sheriff's Sergeant, spent years responding to suicides, child deaths, violent confrontations, and the kind of quiet trauma that follows you home long after the call is over. In 2019, during a welfare check, Tom was shot in the face with a crossbow and survived. But as you'll hear, that moment didn't start the damage. It revealed what years of cumulative trauma had already been building beneath the surface.

James:

In this conversation, Tom speaks openly about PTSD, moral injury, faith, leadership, and the hidden wounds first responders carry. This isn't a story about heroics. It's about the cost and the hope that can rise from it. Let's get started. Tom, just at the outset, I just want to thank you for the service to your communities there in Texas. I appreciate your service and your sacrifice.

Tom:

Thank you, James.

James:

So yeah, do me a favor and introduce yourself as you would to the listening audience.

Tom:

So my name is Tom Lee. I'm a sheriff's deputy with the Hardin County Sheriff's Office. I'm a sergeant on the mental health unit that counties about 55,000 in population and serves almost 900 square miles.

James:

All right, and...

James:

So you're a sheriff's deputy, you're a sergeant with that county. And how many miles did you say?

Tom:

It's 897, so approximately 900 square miles.

James:

How many deputies are on duty at any given time?

Tom:

Our minimal manpower is three and that can be like during the day it may go a little bit more than that but it's three or four typically.

James:

I got you. Alright, so for people who've never worn a badge, what's something about the job they would never see or understand from the outside?

Tom:

I think it's the amount of violence that happens. We're kind of limited in what we see when you're in public or in your day-to-day life. But cops, they go to everything. It doesn't matter what it is. You start seeing your neighbors, that they're assaulting each other, friends and family. I mean, there's not a place that isn't touched by the violence that happens in this world.

James:

So how many, how many calls do you normally, service during the day? Just a typical day.

Tom:

In the mental health unit or on patrol.

James:

Yeah, in it. Yeah. And what you do for a living.

Tom:

So in the mental health unit, I can go through, today I answered two, but I took both people to the hospital, so it's a prolonged season. But it can be.

James:

You actually transported them to the hospital or did they get into an ambulance or?

Tom:

One got into an ambulance and one was taken by their parents.

James:

Gotcha. So these.

Tom:

So I met them at the hospital, I worked with a qualified mental health professional that's with me, we're a team, and went to the hospital and did their assessment at the hospital that the doctor uses to do his assessment and recommend them going to a behavioral hospital or not.

James:

Got you.

James:

Okay. So, so most of your, your calls for service are for welfare checks or mental health crisis, whatever, what have you, some sort of crisis. Okay. I got you. What, what kind of calls tend to stay with you the longest and why do these moments stick?

Tom:

Yes, most of them nowadays. It's typically anything that has to do with children. When you see children that are getting sexually assaulted by, sometimes it's parents, sometimes it's some other family member. Child deaths are the biggest bane to any law enforcement. And those are the ones that, it's the innocence. People have taken away that innocence that that child represents. And now-

Tom:

There's no innocence in it anymore. You've stripped that away from them.

James:

We've been robbed of that.

Tom:

Yes, sir.

James:

Do you have children?

Tom:

I do not, but I have nieces and nephews.

James:

I got you. Yeah, dealing with children on a call is difficult at best. Especially when the innocents has been, they've been robbed of that. Children deserve to have a happy home life and a childhood, right?

Tom:

Without a doubt. I was working with one today that I'm just not sure about. Supposedly their home life just isn't the best. And of course, CPS is the one that called me out there to start the process.

James:

Yeah, so anytime you go to.

James:

Yeah, I've been to domestic dispute calls in the past and it's sad to see the devastation that you know, you've got a husband and wife or a boyfriend and girlfriend or you know, they're attacking one another or you know, they're drunk or high on weed or whatever and they're, you know, having an altercation of some sort to where the police have to get involved and there's children involved and children are, they're the victims in all of this.

Tom:

And more and more now we're seeing children that at young ages are wanting to kill themselves.

James:

Hmm.

James:

Before the crossbow incident, how was the job already affecting you in ways you didn't fully recognize at the time?

Tom:

So, I mean, when you start your career, they're typically always assigned night shift or evening shift. Which are the busiest calls of the day. That's where things happen. And so you get a lot of experience from that. But, boy, it sure does take away time with family, time with friends, just home life.

Tom:

Suffer so much because you're never there.

James:

Right. Hey, do me a favor. I can edit this out, but do me a favor and set up a little closer to your microphone. Um, and then in, because I think that, uh, you're a little bit soft spoken, but I think if you get closer to the microphone, it'll help. I appreciate that buddy.

Tom:

Okay.

James:

So can you take us back to that day? What happened during that call? We're talking about the crossbow incident, which I can't even begin to imagine something like that happening. What happened during that call and what do you remember most clearly about being shot? So just take us back to that day and you know, from the radio from when you were dispatched and what was going through your mind and what happened when you arrived and all of that, if you don't mind.

Tom:

So the father of the guy actually called me a couple weeks earlier and said that his son was having problems and whatnot. And of course, I was actually at the FBI hostage negotiation class. So I told him to call patrol and patrol would come out there. Well, he didn't do that. And he called me on this day and said, hey, my son.

Tom:

Came over last night he was talking a bunch of stuff about the cell phone tower out in his backyard that was shooting out electrical magnetic waves that were killing people and he had some special code to turn it off and cartels had taken over this cell phone tower that was in their field. He told his son that he couldn't use his cell phone, went to sleep and when he woke up the hay bales in his field were set on fire. So he asked me to come out and

James:

My.

Tom:

Talk to his son and whatnot. Didn't call 911, called me through my county issued cell phone.

Tom:

And me and my partner started out there, get there, and you know, there's a spidey sense you get when you're a cop. Something's just not right with this scene. The dad and his mom, which were divorced, were there. And mom seemed really apprehensive, so I was like,

Tom:

Something's not right. I typically am wearing something like I'm wearing right now. That day I particularly had the sheriff emblem right here.

James:

Were you wearing a vest?

Tom:

So I typically don't wear a vest, but I have one in my car. And because of the way that the parents were acting, was like, something's off. I need to take and put on my vest. So I put my vest on and we proceeded. So dad lives in a house and the guy, I didn't know it at the time, but he lived in a Connix trailer next to his dad's house.

James:

Okay, got you.

James:

Right?

James:

Okay.

Tom:

About 100 yards or so from his dad's house. So I was like, okay, it's the next driveway down. We went over there to that driveway and mom met me at the driveway and dad actually walked from his house to it.

Tom:

And I was out there trying to get stuff ready and whatnot. And the dad kept on motion of me saying, come on, come on. You need to come talk to my son.

James:

You're kind of getting staged, you're staging equipment.

Tom:

I was staging, I was trying to figure out whether I needed another unit to come out there with me. There was another call in the county that had just come out of somebody that was overdosing. So I'm putting all this together and trying to figure out whether I could even get somebody to come to my way because of how the situation was going. Mind you, there's already like...

James:

So you were a one man unit at that time.

Tom:

One man and then I, one police officer and then we had my partner that's from the mental health authority that's not a cop.

James:

Gotcha, okay.

Tom:

So, Dad was kind of hurrying me.

Tom:

So we took off up there, got to the door of this Connix trailer and typically I do all the knocking and try to do that. No dad was knocking and trying to open the door and the son just started yelling and screaming.

Tom:

Go away. I'm about to call the cops. Leave me alone.

Tom:

After about 10, 15 seconds of the dad trying, I was like, okay, he's saying he's fixing to call the cops. Let me just introduce myself as a cop and see what happens.

Tom:

So I knocked on the door, said, hey, it's, at the time I was just a deputy, deputy Lee with the sheriff's office. I just want to talk to you. Well, that went sideways. So instead of him saying, okay, I threatened to call the cops, here are the cops to mediate the situation. He started yelling and screaming and cussing that.

Tom:

I was there.

Tom:

I kept on telling him, man, I just want to talk to you. I just want to see what's going on.

Tom:

He said, hey, you want me to come out? Are you ready for this? And that's about the time I knew something bad was fixing to happen. Wasn't a second later, I heard the door get kicked open. And as I peered around the corner of the door, there he was with a crossbow aimed right at me.

James:

So guess you, your life was flashing before your eyes.

Tom:

Yeah, so I took off running down the side of the building trying to create the distance. And my gun was in my holster because I didn't know that any of this was about to happen. So I started pulling my gun and at the same time as I'm pulling, I'm turning around to look behind me and I just feel this overwhelming

Tom:

Felt like a sunburn on my arm. And I don't know if you can see it right there across my head.

James:

Yeah, I can see the scar.

Tom:

So things just walk when this is happening. It just slows down. It feels like.

Tom:

Half a second was probably felt like an eternity. So I was turning around, there was hundreds and hundreds of thoughts going through my mind.

Tom:

One of them was, just shot me. The other one was, what is this pain?

Tom:

But I just, from the hip, because they teach you to fire fast and that gets people away from you. From the hip, I just took a shot at him, which worked. He turned around and took off running.

James:

Right. Did he, did he shoot multiple arrows at you? guess.

Tom:

Well was a crossbow, you have to reload. So, and that takes time. And because I shot at him, he took off running and there was a patch of trees out there and he was running in the general area of that patch of trees. I was like, okay, he's getting back there so he can take and reload from some cover and take another shot at me. So I went running up.

James:

Right?

Tom:

By the door of the Connex trailer and looked out as he was running and about that time he started drawing a machete.

James:

Great

Tom:

So I leveled off and shot him of course in the back because he was running away from me but why else would he be drawing a machete unless he was gonna circle back.

James:

So did the arrow graze your forehead?

Tom:

Yes, I can't really... I don't really know exactly what happened.

Tom:

On my shoulder here there was a pin pocket. The pin was bent that was in my... And there's a little tear on the shirt. I still have the shirt. There's a little tear. And I ended up getting a huge bruise right here. And then across here. So I'm guessing I was leaning down as I was coming back.

James:

Right?

Tom:

And it hit me in the arm and came across like this is what I believe happened. It's really hard to know.

James:

I've got you

Tom:

But it's only like a centimeter, maybe two centimeters away from my left eye.

James:

Right. Yeah, it's, it could have, I guess it could have been a lot worse, right?

Tom:

Without a doubt. I'm so lucky that all I have is this little bitty scar.

James:

So you were able to... obviously you shot him and you de-escalated the situation to where he was no longer a threat, right?

Tom:

Yeah, so it hit him in the back.

Tom:

He was down, I went and made sure he didn't have the weapons. He tossed the crossbow, I guess as he was running he tossed the crossbow and when he got hit with the bullet, the machete went spinning through the air and landed about 10, 15 feet away from him.

Tom:

And he was down on the ground, not really moving.

James:

Gotcha. So I guess you got on the radio and called for an ambulance or said you were shot.

Tom:

Well...

Tom:

Yes, but so being in a rural county, radios don't work great. And so I keyed up, broke the tower, and told them that shots had been fired. But then they couldn't get me and I couldn't, every time I'd sit there and hit the radio button, you'd get dead air.

James:

Right. Right.

Tom:

Tone that makes when it's not connecting. So I was sitting there, they were trying to reach me and they were getting nothing.

Tom:

So I was still trying to figure out how bad I'd been shot because I did not know.

Tom:

When his mom came towards me and told me that she was a former paramedic, she looked at my wound and said, hey, you were grazed. She put a handkerchief on my head and told me to hold pressure. So that's what I did. And I told her to go check on her son because he was in much worse condition than I was.

Tom:

That's when I went back to my car, was able to get on my car radio and let people know.

James:

Gotcha. And so they rolled some units in your direction.

Tom:

Yeah, it rained the Calvary. Of course it was day shift, so some of the city police officers showed up, the county sheriff and all the top brass came out there, the Texas Rangers showed up.

James:

Goodness. Wow. Your supervisor show up.

Tom:

Yeah, I mean...

Tom:

Yes, let's see. I don't remember talking to my personal supervisor, but all the command staff was there.

James:

Is that probably the scariest incident that you've lived through as a police officer?

Tom:

The scariest of me thinking that I probably was gonna die or could have possibly died. There's, I can't tell you how many times you're scared because you don't know what's fixing to happen.

James:

Right?

James:

Now do you have to do traffic stops?

Tom:

I don't, as a mental health deputy, all I do is mental health. If I see one, I can make one, but it's not a requirement.

James:

Back when I was in law enforcement, the number one, the deadliest scenario, there was two of them. One was a routine traffic stop, which there's no such thing as a routine traffic stop, as you know, and domestic disputes. Now that was back in 82. And I'm sure that maybe things have changed a little bit, but I'm sure that routine traffic stops and domestic disputes are at the top of the list somewhere.

Tom:

Oh, there still are. When I was on patrol, I made a lot of traffic stops. I used to love doing DWIs.

James:

Now back when I was doing it, we didn't have license plate readers, right? We would have to call in the license plate to dispatch. And we didn't have mobile data transfer units. We didn't have laptops or any of that stuff. So we'd call in where we were located and vehicle description, how many people were in the car, what we saw, license plate number. And we had to wait for them to...

James:

You know, depending on the situation, but typically we were able to wait on them to give us some sort of information before we got out of the vehicle. And, but yeah, you, even with, even with the license plate reader today, that's not going to tell you who's driving, right? You can have, you can have some coked out, jack the ripper type behind the wheel that just, you know, assaulted somebody or robbed somebody or robbed a store or you just never know. And so you have to, you know, you're

Tom:

No, no.

James:

You have to be aware of everything that's going on and know, they teach you to touch the the trunk of the car to make sure it's closed and Make sure that the driver's side door is not cracked where they can shoot you with a shotgun or something You know shooting backwards and just all sorts of things and we we had to We one of the things we had to read when we went through the Academy was a book called Street Survival I don't know if you ever read that book or not

Tom:

I've never read the book, but I've been to the class. Caliber for us.

James:

Yeah, it's very eye-opening, to say the least.

Tom:

Between street survival and Dave Grossman's on killing on combat.

James:

Right. Yeah. I have not read that book, but I've, I have read a lot of his other stuff, you know,

James:

And it's sad that you have to have that kind of mentality, but you do. For your own survival, you have to.

Tom:

Army they teach you ever every person you come to you have a plan to kill

James:

Where there are potential threat.

Tom:

Yeah, mean, whether or not you actually do it, mean, they dictate that circumstance, but you have a plan on how you're gonna do it.

Tom:

Because just like my situation, changes in a snap of the fingers.

James:

Well, you've already kind of.

James:

Yes, very dynamic, very fluid.

James:

And, so you already kind of told me what was going through your mind in those moments. And, but how did, how did that experience change you afterwards?

Tom:

So man, so it happened right off a road that is right off of one of the highways in the area. And now anytime I get really close to that highway, I always think about it. It always brings back flashback, flood my memory with thinking about the call. So I mean, and that's.

Tom:

Part of PTSD, even though I've never been diagnosed with PTSD, one of the things that

Tom:

Is a common occurrence in PTSD is the flashbacks and memories and things that trigger those like the highway.

James:

Right. Right.

James:

Well, I would imagine that after that incident, you had a heightened awareness when you were approaching vehicles, homes, or your mental health subjects that you were fixing a deal with. I'm sure that you took steps to make sure that you weren't surprised anymore as much as possible.

Tom:

Yeah, well, I almost always, if it's an unknown call, I always have a backup now. It doesn't matter. I'm not going to approach it without a second unit.

Tom:

Which sometimes makes a, I have to wait 30 minutes, an hour to get somebody to me. But I'm gonna sit there and wait.

James:

No such.

James:

Right.

James:

Whatever you got to do to stay alive, right?

Tom:

That's the goal.

James:

The end of the shift you want to go home in one piece preferably. And you you kind of mentioned to me, which I think is something that we should bring up, you mentioned to me that the the individual that shot you with a crossbow was a felon and that he shot you with a crossbow because he couldn't legally own a gun. Not that that really ever stops a felon, right? You know felons carry weapons all the time because they're criminals and criminals don't follow the law.

James:

But in this case, he didn't have a gun, right? Or did he actually?

Tom:

No, it's... No, and it's... The reason why I got shot with a crossbow and not a gun is because he was convicted of felony. He didn't want to go back. He can't purchase. So what's the next best way to kill somebody? Get an old school gun that isn't counted as a firearm.

James:

Well, I think there's been cases where felons have carried revolvers that are not centerfire or what do you call it, rimfire. They're not your typical rimfire projectiles that they cap and ball or whatever. You know what I'm talking about. They're classified as antique guns, but they'll kill you just as dead.

Tom:

Yeah. And you've seen a lot with.

James:

You run across any of those?

Tom:

No, not really. But I mean, if you look at the terrorists right now, what they're using in places like England and France, where there's super tight gun laws, they're using knives and vehicles. I mean, it's all in a, it's about a mindset that people have, not the firearm.

James:

After the physical wounds started to heal, what did the emotional and mental recovery really look like behind the scenes?

Tom:

So one of things that you don't think about as a victim of a crime is having to go to court on that. Having to get up there and tell the, tell everybody. Like we're having a conversation now, but there's a jury of your peers and you're having to take and talk to them and tell them what happened.

Tom:

And let them figure out whether, how you handled it, what he did, whether it was lawful or not. And I think that was the worst thing ever for me. Even though I was cleared by the DA that I didn't do anything wrong, showing up for him to get his sentence and us talking about it.

Tom:

That was so stressful. I can sit here and tell you about it, but how your audience perceives it. I shot somebody in the back. They're going to be like, why'd you shoot him in the back? Well, he was pulling a machete out and what else was he going to do except continue violence on me or the numerous people that were there?

James:

All right.

James:

Well, he had already attacked you and it was obvious what his intent was. He wasn't trying to cause minor damage. He was looking to do fatal damage, probably. That was probably his mindset. Now, don't know what his mental capability or capacity or what his motives were. I don't know if he was just freaked out at...

James:

Out of his mind and that was his reaction to your presence. I, you know, I could arm, I could armchair quarterback this until the cows come home and I don't want to do that, but.

James:

But yeah, I'm sure that, I'm sure that people, you know, as they're listening to this interview, they, you know, some of them might question, you know, if he's running away from you and you shot him in the back, why would you do that? You know?

Tom:

Yeah, and that was the hardest thing on me is, okay, are the jury members gonna give him a light sentence because that happened? Think that he already served his time because that happened? How was it going to go in the public eye?

Tom:

This was after George.

James:

I guess they probably put you on administrative leave.

Tom:

I was on administrative leave for approximately a month.

James:

Okay.

James:

I got you.

James:

So what did the emotional and mental recovery look like for you?

Tom:

So, yeah.

James:

I is this something that was on your mind all the time? I would imagine it probably was probably relived, probably relived that scene and a hundred times.

Tom:

Yeah, I did. was fortunate enough I had our already was working in mental health, so I had people come and talk to me. Tell me some of the things to do some things to avoid. I didn't listen to him all. I I went that first night because I couldn't just stay at home after that happened. It's like. I I I feel like I'm alone.

Tom:

So I went to a bar and drank that night.

Tom:

Didn't drink a lot and then of course my head was all bandaged up and what not and everybody's asking what happened. Of course you can't tell them much.

James:

Right.

Tom:

So people started, they're like, you're from what we saw on the news. Here, let me buy you a round and whatnot. So there was a little bit of drinking that happened, which isn't the best thing to do. It's not a good thing to do in that situation. But just like any other cop, that's how you...

Tom:

Typically deal with things.

James:

Well, you, you were the victim of a violent crime. So, so you suffered mentally and emotionally and physically like any other victim of a violent crime, right? You just happened to wear a badge.

Tom:

Yeah, and since that incident, I put myself through there's a post-critical incident seminar that's hosted at a college that's the law enforcement command center for Texas.

Tom:

At Sam Houston State University. I sent myself to that class just because I wanted to make sure I was okay. And they do EMDR, they, it's like horizontal gaze and sagmus that people know from the DWI test where they move your eyes. But in so doing,

Tom:

As you're looking left to right, it refocuses your mind and actually makes the memories go where they're supposed to instead of keeping them at the front of your mind.

James:

Right. Now, do you remember the story of the, I think he was a sheriff's deputy with Florida, one of the Florida counties, and I can't think of his name, but he was working off duty security at a mall and somebody, a couple of suspects were stealing. Of course, mall security called him. He was in the command center with the other security officer. He was a

James:

He was a sheriff's deputy, the mall security had a security office with cameras and all that and he wound up giving foot pursuit after this guy and this kid he was 18 years old he turned around and shot him in the in the face with a handgun I don't know if you ever heard that story or not or read about it He and I want to say it's probably been a good ten or fifteen years since that happened now but it was

James:

An amazing, he lived to tell the story and he talked about, know, how his everything just slowed down to a crawl, you know, and he, you know, get tunnel vision and you can't hear anything anymore. You're, fighting for your life. And that's literally what he wound up doing in a drainage ditch with this 18 year old kid. And he wound up having to kill him. And, it's a, actually got to hear him tell the story, in person.

Tom:

Yeah.

James:

I went to an event where he was there and he told that story and he was talking about the importance of physical fitness and being in shape as a police officer and law enforcement that you know, can't be overweight. Know, when you're fighting for your life out on the street somewhere and somebody's trying to kill you, everything you can bring to your disposal to save your life is important, which obviously...

James:

Good mental health, good physical fitness and all of that comes into play. Experience in law enforcement and knowing the tools of the trade and how to get to them and use them adequately and all that. But it's a scary thing.

Tom:

It can be super crazy. I've been on so many calls I can't admit. I was the guy, I liked going to the violent calls. That's been when I was in patrol.

Tom:

You can send me to a burglary report and I absolutely hated it. Send me to a domestic violence, a man with a gun, something. Those are the calls I want to go to.

James:

Would you, would you think, would you say that maybe at that time in your life, as you talk about liking to go to those types of calls, do you think maybe you might've been a little bit of an adrenaline junkie?

Tom:

I would 100 % say that I was addicted to adrenaline.

James:

Yeah.

James:

Well, there's nothing, there's nothing like rolling up on the scene where you don't know what's fixing to happen. And you know that, that somebody is being violent or somebody is fixing to be a victim of a violent crime. And you're, you know, you're, you're there to help people into, to deescalate a situation and hopefully you can stop somebody from getting hurt, including yourself. Right.

Tom:

Yeah, it's all about, what can I do to help those people? I want to go to the most violent things that are there and try to...

Tom:

Stop it from happening control it of course that's putting yourself in extraordinary danger but if you're the one that's able to help the situation out and prevent it from getting more dangerous that's the goal

James:

So for the listening audience, take us back to how did you get into law enforcement and what can you tell us why you decided to take that career path?

Tom:

Well, it was never what I really thought I was gonna do. When I got out of, my dad owned his own air conditioning heating company. And that's what I thought I was gonna do. And I went to college pursuing a degree in computer science and electrical engineering. And I was gonna do some electrical side, the big...

Tom:

Buildings and do air conditioning components that are controlled by.

Tom:

Kind of like your Nest thermostats or stuff. Way back then, Nest wasn't a thing, but that's where I saw myself, is working on big commercial buildings that have those everywhere. When I got to college, as typically most colleges do, they make you go through a student orientation, and part of that,

Tom:

Student orientation you get to go see all the the student groups they set up tables and it just so happens that the police department had a police explorers program and I was like hmm that'd be interesting just to get to know what law enforcement does and whatnot

James:

Okay.

Tom:

So I joined the Explorers 19, 1920. And so I joined the Explorers, started doing that at the college level and found it a lot of fun. And they had a thing where they were gonna allow the students to be dispatchers as a student worker.

James:

And how old were you at that time?

James:

Okay, I got you.

Tom:

And so I started dispatching. Then I got hired as a full-time dispatcher for him. And that quickly made me think, man, I want to be doing the real stuff, not sitting here just helping on the sidelines. And that drove me into going into policing.

James:

So what attracted you to law enforcement? I mean, I know you're talking about your college days and how the law enforcement had the table and you joined the, what was it called?

Tom:

The Police Explorers.

James:

Yeah, police explorers. Did you get to go on ride alongs?

Tom:

Yeah. I got to go on ride alongs. They taught us what to do. You did building searches, you did bomb searches, you did misdemeanor traffic stops, high risk traffic stops, or felony traffic stops. They taught you all that in the explorers. Kind of like a police academy, but a lot more hands on.

Tom:

You got good at running through just scenarios after scenarios doing that. And it just built a drive, a love of doing that.

James:

So at any time as you were kind of enamored with all of that, you have a desire to help people maybe? To get into it for, to serve people? Help people?

Tom:

Yes, I mean, and that's the biggest joke in police oral boards or hiring boards.

Tom:

Everybody you ask, why you want to be a cop? I want to help people.

Tom:

So the overarching goal is to help people and then you get to do all the cool stuff with it. You get to drive fast and wear a gun and do all those things. But I mean the overarching goal of why you're doing all that is you want to help people.

James:

Right. Sure.

James:

So backtracking a little bit, let's talk about the subject that you shot in the back. What were your thoughts and what was your attitude or your emotions towards him? I mean, you saw him laying on the ground. You probably didn't know whether he was dead or alive or did you know that he had survived the shot or?

Tom:

I thought he was gonna die. I mean, he was laying there. I told his mom to attend to him because I figured he was gonna die.

James:

Yeah.

James:

Did that, did that mess with you for awhile?

Tom:

No, I-

James:

Emotionally or mentally.

Tom:

I I mean, I was 17 years into my career at this point.

James:

Gotcha.

Tom:

I I'd seen, I can't tell you how many dead bodies at this point in time in my career.

Tom:

It didn't really affect me like, gosh, I just killed somebody. It was like, I did what I had to do. I mean, if I wouldn't have done that, myself or the five or six people that were there with me, somebody would have gotten hurt really, really bad.

James:

You're trying to survive, yeah.

James:

Alright.

James:

So law enforcement culture often teaches officers to push through. How did that mindset impact your willingness to deal with trauma?

Tom:

I mean that's that's part of it. You have to push through. Mean you can't let something defeat you but it's almost a two edged sword here. On one side it's great that you push through. On the other side just burying it and not talking about it and dealing with it some other day just

Tom:

Mentally wrecks you over time.

James:

I know that you and I spoke briefly about you being a Gideon and you you went to Houston to pick up some boxes of Bibles and that you go to church and you're a man of faith. How did your faith affect your role as a police officer?

Tom:

Throughout my career, it's been kind of an up and down thing.

Tom:

I graduated from a Christian high school.

Tom:

Then I didn't really use that while I was in my first few years.

Tom:

Did a bunch of stuff that I shouldn't. Drinking a lot, going to parties, just not living the way I should. Then my first agency, they actually fired me. There's a lot to go into that.

Tom:

I did some things that I shouldn't have done.

Tom:

Took and didn't want me around anymore.

Tom:

And did everything in their power to get rid of me.

Tom:

And once they did, of course, during that time I had my field training officer committed suicide also. So.

James:

Man, I'm sorry to hear that.

Tom:

I started going back towards the faith and really that got me through a lot.

Tom:

And I was living better, but then I got a job in policing down in the Houston area instead of up in the Dallas area where I was. And kind of floated away some, away from that. Still being secure that Jesus Christ died for my sins, but not going to church again.

Tom:

Not having a lot of people around me that were Christians. So it's always been like an up and down battle. And I finally came to a point in time after the shooting and whatnot that, no, that's what I need to do. I need to follow Christ. And things have been great since. Mean, not great all the time. I don't want to give somebody false hope.

Tom:

That you come and believe God and that ends all your problems because it does not but there's a peace that you get that you can't get anywhere else

James:

So would you say that the difficulties that you experienced as a young police officer kind of helped to draw you back to the cross, back to the roots of your faith?

Tom:

Yes, without a doubt. I I started going to church again, started praying again. It wasn't just, okay this is what I believe. It was actually following through on that.

James:

Well, that's good. Glad to hear that. I think that's something we all need,

Tom:

Oh yeah, I can tell you, so I responded to the aftermath of Uvalde. Not to the Uvalde school shooting, but to the aftermath a couple days after it happened. And one of the things that we were hearing from the first responders and stuff that worked that is they were all looking for Bibles. And that's really how I got involved in the Gideons.

Tom:

I had a friend that was a Gideon at the time and I called him up and said, hey, can I get some Bibles? That's what they're asking for. He was like, let me see what I can do. And within two hours I had a couple hundred Bibles that people could give out to all these people that were hurting and wanting the Bibles.

James:

Yeah, I can't imagine experiencing any of that. And it's interesting, it's interesting to hear that people were asking for that.

Tom:

You know, we were sitting at a table. My first day there was a Saturday and we were sitting out of the tables before and in the command post and I was just going to work the command post and kind of help them out. And some of the field officers that were out talking to those people, they're like, that's all we hear. Everybody keeps on asking for Bibles. Do we have any access to them?

Tom:

I was in the right place at the right time.

James:

Did they have chaplains that were on the scene that you would think that they would have a connection with the Gideons or access to that sort of, you know, literature?

Tom:

They had chaplains in the actual, where we had the command post set up at was at one of the churches. And the churches were like, here we have a few on the shelf. You can take all these, but it wasn't near.

James:

Right. They just weren't equipped for that sort of a scenario.

Tom:

Yeah, they weren't ready for that.

James:

Right.

Tom:

It didn't take no time making a phone call that Bibles just showed up and the Gideons actually weren't doing anything about it either and they figured out from my call that the community was hurting and they ended up going out and giving over 7,000 Bibles away to that community.

James:

Wow, wow, that's crazy.

James:

So looking back now, what do you wish people understood about the human costs of wearing the badge, not just in moments like that, but over an entire career?

Tom:

I think it.

Tom:

Your family suffers a lot because you're never there. When you are there, a lot of times you draw into yourself. You don't want to express yourself to others. There's a lot of that that happens in law enforcement and in any of the first responders. Some of that, we don't want to burden others with what we have to go through.

Tom:

So let's not re-traumatize you by letting you hear the trauma that we went through. And you hear that time and time again from law enforcement officers.

James:

Right.

James:

Well, you also, I think, I think part of the mindset when you come home, is you kind of compartmentalize all the crap that you saw during the day, right? You just kind of shove it back in your mind and, and, try not to focus on it too much or dwell on it or whatever.

Tom:

Yes sir, that's really, mean if you can stuff it in the envelope and not think about it and I mean it's there but it's way back there in the back and that bends only, can only take so much until it starts overflowing.

James:

We are. Yeah. And that's, that's the danger of compartmentalizing trauma and not dealing with, you know, not having the emotional intelligence, because, know, I, I don't know. I'm, I'm a child of the seventies and eighties and we were taught that men don't cry and that, know, if you get a spanking or whatever, your dad would always tell you, if you want to cry, I'll give you something else to cry about. And you're always taught to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and that you were the

James:

You know, you're a tough guy and you know, you're the, you're, the author and finisher of your own faith and your own, your own fate rather, you know, you, you can be who you want to be, but it's going to be all you buddy, you know? And, you kind of had a, you know, the John Wayne syndrome and tough guy persona. And, and it's like you said, you know, if you don't deal with trauma, if you don't deal with the emotions of the things that you see in law enforcement, it's going to come back to bite you.

Tom:

Well, they've found over time that, and it doesn't matter whether it's police officers or the general public, that.

Tom:

The way to deal with it is actually talking about it. You bottle it up, it just sits there and festers and festers. But if you talk about it, it actually is very cathartic for you. And I mean, I still deal with that today. My wife talks to me and it's about a subject that I don't want to talk about. I'm just gonna...

Tom:

But that's not healthy.

Tom:

You really need to talk about your problems or anything that's bothering you and that's how you deal with it in life.

James:

So for the officer listening right now, who's silently carrying the weight of the job, what would you say to them?

Tom:

Find people that you can generally trust and talk to them. Open up about what's going on.

Tom:

So many of us have turned into alcoholics. I mean, I've been dealing with several alcoholics recently, both veterans and first responders.

Tom:

That just is the worst thing for you. To turn to the bottle, try to isolate yourself from everybody else so you don't hurt anymore. And that's the reason why our suicide numbers are so high.

Tom:

Because at some point in time you're not able to deal with it. And there are resources out there. There are counselors and things that have been first responders that can help you. Don't just deal with it yourself. Find the resources. Whether you call a cop line or one of the other police lines.

Tom:

You find a good buddy that's a cop with you that you can confide in and trust in. Anybody that you can that you can talk to. It's much better that you talk to them than not.

James:

Tom, I want to thank you for being on the show today. I want to thank you for your willingness to share, obviously, some painful moments in your past. And thank you again for your service to your community. And I'm glad that you're a man of faith and that your faith helps you to stay grounded. to the listening audience, I want to say thank you for the privilege of your time. Thanks for listening to today's conversation with Tom Lee.

James:

His story reminds us that behind every badge is a human being carrying wounds most people never see, and that the cost of service doesn't end when the call is over. Tom's honesty about trauma, faith, and the long road to healing gives all of us a deeper understanding of what first responders face and what real resilience looks like. If this episode moved you, share it with someone who needs to hear it. And if you're a first responder struggling in silence, let Tom's story be a reminder.

James:

You're not alone and there is a way forward. Until next time, stay grounded, stay grateful and keep pursuing truth with courage. Now Tom, if somebody wanted to get a hold of you or get in contact with you, how would they do that?

Tom:

I've got a website. I've written a book. That website is www.scarsofthebadge.com

James:

Scarsofthebadge.com, okay?

Tom:

And then you can get my email address from there and I check that and I'll email you back.

James:

All right, and I will, I'll put that in the show notes as well.

Tom:

Thank you, sir.

James:

All right, buddy. Thank you for being here. Thank you for your service.

Tom:

Thank you.